Written by Cyndi Loza | 08 January 2010

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos ... Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" -- Rob Gordon in High Fidelity, played by actor John Cusack,  had it so right. I think I was 18 years-old when I realized Harry Nilsson's "One" was kind of a mood killer, despite the song's cheerful beat. Am I the only one that thinks he sounded strangely happy while singing that "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do?" I'll also never forget when my dad would comment on the music I was listening to during my adolescent Radiohead period. Both my parents are from Mexico and speak enough English to get by, but my dad assured me something just wasn't right with Radiohead's frontman Thom Yorke and he was convinced it had to do with a woman.  It's hard to avoid thinking about love, be it bad or good, when it's on your iPod. So, with this blog, I plan to address it head on. From dating tips to singles softball, I'll be discussing the mechanics of modern romances and relationships.

Written by El Guapo | 30 October 2009

Recent events in the nation have really made for a reflective period in which the very certainties that have for so long been taken for granted are now unexpectedly up for grabs. Someone has taken a shiny pin and popped the balloon. It's a gut check, if you will.  Even with some debate over whether we are at the cusp of an economic upswing, it's still definitely a time where lots of folks are being tossed for a bumpy ride. Many are using and will continue to use this period of instability to rile up emotions, to seek convenient scapegoats, and to pin our collective fears on something tangible. This is not new. We should come to expect that xenophopia and human susceptibility to xenophobia rises in proportion to adversity. Logic, compassion, and level-headed discourse of any type are often the first victims of a lot of vitriolic knee-jerking and gum-flapping.

This is as it should be. Discard the group hug mentality and start identifying the racial, ethnic, or religious group that is the cause of your sorrows. When in doubt, create a Twister type spinner and let fate decide the reason you were laid off, your business struggles, or your wife left you.  Invading hordes of sinister foreigners is a popular choice. Try it on, see how it fits.

Unsurprisingly, recently when a visionary New Mexico hotel owner Larry Whitten stepped forth and demanded that Spanish-speaking employees nix the Spanish and make their names less ethnic, he was denounced roundly by many.  But why?  He is but a business man looking for an edge during tough times.  And, what sane patron wants to deal with trying to properly pronounce the clerk's name?  Who's got time for that?  Customers were probably confused and scared when they looked down and saw an accent mark on a name tag.  (BTW-That's why all our Bangladeshi tech support folks are Brads and Julies.)

So, for the love of all that is holy, and even all that is not.... for the sake of our collective sanity, let us at least keep our xenophobia warm and dry. Fight the urge to feel a collective unity during these troubling times. That's knee jerk compassion and empathy talking. The last thing we need is that stuff getting in the way. Let us hold on to our fears of those different from ourselves and let that drive our decision-making. Ask yourself, "Who can I blame?" (May I suggest Native Americans?)

We need stability at times like this and xenophobia is where it's at. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) This hatred, fear, suspicion of outsiders has been sitting like an anchor in the national psyche for a long time, keeping this country right where it needs to be. If we don't define others as the problem, how can we be define ourselves as the solution?

As is usually the case, we sometimes need someone stronger and more daring to model that courage and fortitude, so that we can then emulate and stay the course. Who are we if not a people who can blame all our issues on other people, people unlike us? Let us not lose our way. Keep that finger pointed elsewhere. Look to the shining beacons of hope that are the aforementioned Larry Whitman and, of course, the scapegoat king, Lou Dobbs. These men take tough stands and spread xenophobia like they spread butter on their rolls - generously. Xenophobia is the key to weathering this storm. Love it or leave it, cabron.

Your handsome and humble servant,

El Guapo

Halloween Aside:

Are you a fellow Cubs' fan watching yet another Cubless World Series?  At least you're not this guy...yet...

..

Written by El Guapo | 23 October 2009

With Latinos in America on CNN this week, Latinos are a hot topic in the mainstream media - at least until balloon boy's family has a bowel movement.  And of course, this got the blade-sharp mind of El Guapo going...

El Guapo often wears his leopard print smoking jacket and oils up the lush rain forest that he calls chest hair so that each thick follicle looks like a curly black diamond twinkling in an otherwise sightless sky. This grooming, of course, is strictly for his own amusement since it is common knowledge that El Guapo cannot enhance perfection. (Although, if anyone could accomplish this feat, it’d be the unrivaled Guapo.) As he flat irons, braids, highlights or waits for a new economy sized jug of pomade to be rolled in, he often twirls his twirl-worthy mustache and thinks, as only he can, about all things under the sun.

On this fine day, El Guapo decided enough was enough and began a crusade that rivals any other in the course of human history. The problem that lit this fire under his unparalleled, incomparable ass had become so unavoidable that he felt obligated to intervene – even though, truth be told. he prefers only to help others who help themselves. Unfortunately, the American Latino (Guatsupinus Cabronicus) as a species finally tried El Guapo’s patience beyond the breaking point.

While US Latinos continue on a path toward dominance through procreation (and by all means, take a reading break here and continue the movement), there is a serious thread of dissension within a small, yet significant segment of the population who refuse to comply and behave accordingly.  This thread must be cut.  Latinos are, in fact, a monolithic group with monolithic opinions. We like spicy food. We ride around in compact cars with our extended families and pile out like clowns at the circus. We spank our children with chanclas and extension cords and we get absurdly enthused when surrounded by vegetation because we can, like Edward Scissorhands, turn any nearby shrub into any whimsical object. Let this uniformity be known and spread far and wide.

Only through this homogeneous thinking can we move forward. Dissension is our enemy and it makes it harder to understand us. Media outlets, news organizations need consensus from us - in fact, in many cases they've helped by providing a clear consensus for us. Some Latinos refuse to listen and others are simply unaware of our agreed upon opinions. So, El Guapo first decided to call each and every Latino and go through all of our opinions once and for all but this proved both time consuming and, since many of you have had your phones disconnected, rather frustrating. Others were so in awe of speaking with El Guapo that the giddy squeals allowed for very little to get done. So, because El Guapo is a visionary, we will be holding monthly Latino conference calls beginning next month. Now, it’s only a matter of coordinating a date and time that’s good for the 45 million of us in the United States. How’s Tuesday look for you?

Your handsome, humble servant,

El Guapo

(Again, enjoy creepy cookie...This looks like something out of Dante's fifth ring of hell...where lost souls bob up and down in milk, waiting to be mashed up, digested, and well...you know the rest.)

Written by El Guapo | 16 October 2009

Recently, many have voiced their pleasure/displeasure/excitement/dismay over developments in the Illinois State General Assembly regarding bill SB1557 which will amend the school code in Illinois effective January 1, 2010 and require

every public elementary school and high school to include in its curriculum a unit of instruction studying the events related to the forceful removal and illegal deportation of almost 2,000,000 Mexican-American U.S. citizens during the Great Depression, beginning in 1929 and ending in the mid-1940's.

Introduced by Illinois Senator William Delgado, the bill is a disastrous and short-sighted change, and El Guapo is jumping in his loyal lowrider, Rosinante, throwing on his swankiest hairnet, opening the top two buttons on his most elegant guayabera (two open buttons means business, my friend), nestling his best gold medallion comfortably into his copious chest hair, and heading down to Springfield to put an end to the madness.

“But, Guapo,” you say, “what problem could there possibly be with what is surely an attempt to address a significant missing chapter of the nation’s history? How could this be anything but positive, nay, necessary? If anything, it has been a long time coming.”

For the simple-minded it would appear this way. If you are this brainless, perhaps you’d prefer to stop reading now and go back to eating paint chips or whatever it is you do. But, of course, you can count on El Guapo to shake up paradigms and poke topics from every conceivable perspective (and even some perspectives that are not conceivable). Let’s proceed.

Frijoleros, let us explore some basic logic:

• First, invisibility is a trait that is desirable. This is indisputable. Every human on the planet has at one point or another pondered the endless possibilities that come with being invisible. It is the stuff of comic book superheroes.

• Second, US Latinos (all 40+ million) have been blessed with being virtually invisible in many key facets of society.

So, clearly, any pendejo can see that U.S. Latinos are as a result, in many respects, superheroes. But some would ruin this for the rest of us by wanting us scribbled into the margins of a history book. It’s like Superman voluntarily wearing a Kryptonite Speedo…

Your handsome, humble servant,

El Guapo


A total and complete pre-Halloween aside, check out the creepy cookie. 
Don't believe in reincarnation?  What if I told you this was the recently deceased cookie crisp thief...That's some Karma...Creepy and delicious Karma...I think I heard him cry...

Written by El Guapo | 02 October 2009

Portland, Oregon

Outside a non-descript coffee house in downtown Portland an elderly man who is asking to remain anonymous sips an iced coffee and offers up company secrets. He claims to have been behind McDonald’s Hamburglar character and many successful ad campaigns for the fast food giant. “I mean, it’s not that McDonald’s has ever truly struggled, but one group that we’ve coveted with a passion is the Hispanic market. In fact, behind the scenes we’ve been in a barroom brawl type research and development race with the other national chains for your affections. Seriously, we were this close [holds fingers a hairs width apart] to finding a way to deep fry cola, something considered to be a scientific impossibility. It's like the Holy Grail of fast food.” 

“Well, since a disproportionate percentage of the prison population is Hispanic, we knew that there were plenty of hungry children growing up without male role models, so we slapped some prison stripes on some pajamas and merged zoot suit attire with a Zorro sorta thing and that’s all she wrote. We kept the Hamburglar’s hair and skin rather fair because research indicated that a darker character scared even minority children. And the ‘robble robble’ business came about because, quite frankly, when we flip past Telemundo that’s what we hear. No offense, of course. In any event, demographic gold is what we mined.” Many have argued that fast food companies bear some of the responsibility for Latino children falling through the floor and wheezing at the bottom of the pile when compared to other demographic groups with respect to obesity rates, juvenile diabetes, and other important health categories. “What do you want me to do? Minority Happy Meals bought that shiny imported car you see parked down yonder. I aims to keep it.”

After some arm twisting, our source reluctantly brought us to Gordon Panzabaja, a former Hamburglar who is still irate after being asked to turn in his stripes several years back. “Robble, robble,” he exclaimed in frustrated grunts, as he smoked a cigarette and drank out of a paper bag while ineffectively hiding from Constable McNubbler behind a very skinny tree. After we procured a translator, we learned that, like the 80's pop group Menudo, Hamburglars have a short shelf life. “The horizontal stripes are stupid to begin with and then they axe us when we gain some weight. I mean, they have us stealing burgers all day every day and then they act surprised when we put on a few. And now that damn Mayor McCheese and his cronies are out to make sure I don’t talk. F#@k him, you know?”

Unbeknown to us, as a result of a collaborative sting operation, Constable McNubbler waited for our interview to be over and then hopped out of a speeding Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile with the monocled Mr. Peanut and clubbed Mr. Panzabaja with the exubernace of a Rodney King beating. Charges have yet to be filed.

See for yourself...

As evidence, our source sites this commercial which clearly shows the hamburglar involved in disreputable behavior of all sorts: disrupting an academic setting, stealing, and, most disturbingly, not having the common sense to try a more intelligent approach.

Written by El Guapo | 25 September 2009

A turducken is a dish consisting of a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken.

Who is this masked man who smokes his pipe pensively, strokes his chin, and enlightens with every syllable uttered, every word typed? Who is this El Guapo and why has he only recently surfaced. What is his aim? And just how Guapo is he? Much has been asked about El Guapo, eljumpingbean, and these damn frijoleros who have begun to take over the world through a deliberate and methodical global movement.

El Guapo and his band of misanthropic Frijoleros have been described as turduckens of mystery. They are an enigma shoved inside the hollowed out carcass of a riddle and finally crammed violently into the deboned cavern of a conundrum....all of this, of course, served with a generous cucharada of refried beans.

Let's begin with his Guaponess. How Guapo is this man who hides his face behind a luchador mask? First, rest assured that he is the most guapo, the guapo-est if you will. But he has learned that his ideas, regardless of how brilliant (and, they are always illumined and prophetic) will not be ingested if folks are entranced by his indescribable, overwhelming, and rugged beauty. Such is the double-edged sword.

As for his aim...well, that is something else altogether. El Guapo seeks collective enlightenment. He walks the world with his loyal band of frijoleros and shares his divine message - like a Jehovah's Witness, except rather than hiding and drawing the curtains, the world drinks his words like a thirsty desert. He angers and entertains. He enlightens through frustration. He questions the seemingly unquestionable. He kicks ideas around until they lie in an unrecognizably bloody pulp.

And, "Why now, El Guapo?" you ask, "Why do you step forth from the fog now?" The answer to that is simple.

It is time. [cue fog machine]

Humanity needs El Guapo. His cross is heavy, but he wears it like a medallion buried in his chest hair. He embraces stereotypes until they lie there dead and twitching. Books shall be written about this legendary figure, children shall be named after him, and schools dedicated to his teachings.

World domination is inevitable. Join El Guapo or prepare to lie there steamrolled flat by his followers like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

Your handsome and humble servant,

El Guapo

Written by El Guapo | 17 September 2009

Hey...you. Vato, you there...Yes, you...step out of your lowrider, please. Can you, perchance, turn down your rattling car stereo and bring your scary friend along. Yeah, that guy right there next to you with his greased back hair and the laugh-now-cry-later-tattoo on his forearm. Not that guy. The other guy. The guy with the tattooed teardrops. 

I'd like to ask you both some questions...Oh, sure, you can bring your teenage bride and your eight kids along. Oh, that's cute. I didn't know they made working lawnmowers that tiny. Oooohh how adorable- they have tiny chrome, spinning rims and everything? 22s? Impressive. By the way, I think you dropped your rosary behind you. Oops, and now your sawed-off shotgun, too.  No, of course, I'll be brief . Yes, I understand you have a gang meeting to go to. You're the president? Outstanding. Of course. Sir?... Sir?... Oh, come on now! Where in heck did that cactus and sombrero come from? For peetsake, it's winter in Chicago...And why are you napping now? You're gonna catch a cold, sir. Can't that wait? Your children have gathered near my car and I think they're stealing my tires and leaving it on blocks...I'm convinced the smallest one is attempting to distract me with some elaborate ethnic dance or something of the sort. So, anyway. I would like to pick your brain about satire.... No, I said "SATIRE".  You don't know what that is?... Really?... No, I just wanted to pick your brain about whether it can go too far - satire that is. May I begin? Okay...stop. That's fine. sirs, please remain seated, this lawn is already immaculately manicured, please put down the weedwhacker and the Corona. I'll proceed if you don't mind...Anyway - is it okay to use our satirical stick to gouge and jab at everything - including stereotypes and other things that might be construed as off limits? When does the satire cross into racism and general insensitivity?Oh no. Your eyes are glazing over...Have I lost you? What if I shake these colorful maracas and wear this fruit hat, like so? Look, I'm Carmen Miranda. Look. Look. No, I assure you - I am in no way affiliated with immigration or any law enforcement agency. I'll take your silence as a sign that you are pondering my question. You are pondering, yes? Let me add some more: Does it matter who the authors and audience of this potentially offensive satire is? In other words, can only Latinos make Latino jokes without reprisal? Is it like an "inside joke" sort of thing? Where are the lines drawn? Pardon me, sir, but I think that your wife or girlfriend is currently beating a child aganst another child.....Oh, she says it's because she lost her chanclas and isn't wearing a belt and can find no suitable extension cords or wire hangers nearby? Okay, as long as you're aware. Well...I'll try to proceed. Another query --- Should we (anybody) even be laughing at these things? What is being gained through such excerises? Sirs... sirs..sirrs...please...I think one of your infants just stabbed me in the kidney with a rusty blade...Could I bother you to call an ambulance? I'm bleeding quite profusely....wake up, please wake up.....okay...now stop celebrating and patting him on the back...it's getting cold..oh, so cold...

-El Guapo