| 08 February 2010
“Love is a serious mental disease” ~ Plato
Considering that the above quote resonates, nay, drips with utter truth, we must stand wary of sinvergüenzas who bring, in unmarked Tupperware containers, their particularly foul “mental diseases” to the already overflowing buffet line of love, dating and relationships.
Luckily for you, the doctor is in. So, hop on the exam table. Whoa, whoa now, put your clothes back on. That’s not at all what I meant and you know it.
People often say, “But, Guapo, you wouldn’t understand my problems. You’re so perfect in every way that you can’t possibly appreciate how complex this love business is for us average folks. Love is surely thrown at your feet — fights to the death breaking out for a flash of that infectious smile.” 
And so, in response, I stand there awkwardly because, hey, it’s an excellent point. The logic is inescapable. However, let’s give it a shot anyway.
Therefore, shake me fiercely, for I am your love life’s magic eight ball.
(Watch out, the previous sentence is also a tried and true sinvergüenza pick up line.)
LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT
El Guapo answers your most pressing love questions.
DEAR EL GUAPO: Throughout my dating years, my choice in men has been questionable, to say the least. Things usually start off great and predictably turn sour very early in the relationship. So, how does someone know if they’re dating, doting on or married to a sinvergüenza? ~Perplexed in Palo Alto
GUAPO: Well, Perplexed, there are a few telltale signs that might set off an alarm or two, but the most important thing to remember is: sinvergüenzas overwhelmingly have had their perceptions of love and romance shaped by daytime television. Why this is so is unclear. Sit with him and watch Maury. When the results of the paternity test are announced, watch him carefully. If he looks too relieved or even angry when the announcement is made, you might want to slowly, casually grab your purse, run like hell, and not look back. He’s clearly had a moment like that before. Also, if the gentleman in question speaks like he stepped out of General Hospital — including using anything resembling a steely-eyed gaze, you might also circle the wagons, because the sinvergüenza stink is on him. Nothing good can come of it. Nothing. Is he penciling in your dates between appointments with his parole officer and his many court dates for his backed up child support? Does he ask you to blow his court-mandated breathalyzer so that he can start his car? If any of these apply, he also may not be a keeper.
DEAR EL GUAPO: I broke up with my girl before the holidays to avoid having to get her a gift. If I do it again for Valentine’s Day, she’ll catch on. So, how do I go about romancing a lady on a budget, man? ~ Cheap-o in Chicago
GUAPO: Cheap-o, while rose petals, perfume and chocolate are Valentine’s Day staples – there is a simple approach that a brazen sinvergüenza like yourself can use to save a couple bucks and still come out smelling like a rose. First, buy a small blue box from Tiffany — only the box. Next, step on it. Finally, come home to the little lady and explain how a burly man with a gun took her very expensive and very tasteful gift from Tiffany — which was obviously inside the box. You will get pity and credit for a great gift…All without spending a dime. Everyone wins.
DEAR EL GUAPO: I like sex. That’s it. ~ Brevity in Berwyn
GUAPO: Brevity, that’s not really a question, but we’d be remiss if we forgot to mention that sinvergüenzas are notorious scoundrels. To leave them responsible for anything important in a relationship is ill-advised. Therefore, be forewarned that safe sex for a sinvergüenza entails re-corking the box of wine and moving amorous acts over to the plastic–covered couch. (The plastic-covered couch is another signature sinvergüenza warning sign.)
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
