| 16 November 2009
[Editor’s note: The last names of the subjects have been omitted to protect their identities.]
Maria knew there was something wrong when she came down with a fever and the diarrhea just wouldn’t disappear. Doctors doled out pills to soothe her symptoms. But what turned out to be the truth for the married mother of two had never occurred to her.
Maria had HIV, but it was not to be diagnosed until she was pregnant with her third child. That’s when blood tests revealed the awful reality. Maria, a woman who had had sexual relations only with her husband, had a sexually transmitted disease.
“I’m not angry,” the 30-year-old suburban divorcee says now, “but I ask, ‘Why did he do that to me?’”
And, what “he” did isn’t so uncommon.
Listen up, Latinas: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports you’re five times more likely to contract the HIV virus than any white woman, and that rate is likely to spike higher with each passing year.
Juana too is representative of those statistics: one of the more than 125,000 women living with HIV in the U.S., and one of the almost 70 percent of infected Latinas who have contracted the virus due to heterosexual contact.
“I was really, really confused because I knew my husband got sick, but he never told me about his illness,” the 50-year-old mother says with a sigh, recalling a time more than seven years ago when she couldn’t understand why her husband’s health kept failing.
One day, he went to church alone and she searched his jacket pockets in their closet at home. It was there she found the anti-viral medications he had been hiding.
“My God, what is happening here?” she remembers praying, before calling her best friend. That friend instructed her to get tested immediately -- though Juana didn’t know why. “He’s my only man,” Juana said she thought at the time, but she went to the doctor anyway. The results: the worst.
“I told God, ‘I’m really, really sad for this situation,’” Juana recalls. “Not about the HIV, because we don’t choose our disease, but for my husband.”
She asked God to help her forgive him, and with an open heart Juana did just that. Unlike Maria, Juana remains married to her husband -- the carrier and transmitter of the disease that may eventually kill them both.
Women have several courses of action once they contract HIV. But their failure to assert themselves and take action could have helped them fend off the disease.
When it comes to sexual relationships with men in the Hispanic community, Juana Ballesteros of the Greater Humboldt Park Community of Wellness says, “Women feel like they can’t have their man wear a condom or question who they’ve been with.”
Such was the case with both Maria and Juana.
Maria was living in Zacatecas, Mexico, during the early years of her marriage, while her husband was working in the U.S. She suspected infidelity -- though she does not know of what sort and to what extent -- and asked her husband to wear a condom when they were together. “He didn’t want to use them,” she says, regretful that she couldn’t take a tougher stance.
As for Juana, she says she never felt a need to make such a request. But now she acknowledges, “We don’t know what happens on the streets with our husbands.”
And what happens on those streets can be scarier than these women could have ever imagined.
A SECRET LIFE
“Bisexuality among the Mexican community is huge,” says Carlos Chavez, the HIV program director of Latino services at the Renz Addiction Center in Elgin. Because of the secretive nature of such sexual activity, there are no statistics that could support such a claim, Chavez says, but anecdotally at the Renz Center, such allegations are accepted as fact.
“There is a joke that goes, ‘What’s the difference between a Mexican man and a gay man?’” Chavez says with a laugh. “A six pack of beer.”
Chavez says many married Mexican men while under the influence of alcohol enter a subculture of same-sex encounters in which they insist on playing the dominant role with a homosexual man. “Their mentality is, ‘OK, I’m going to play the male role and teach the little gay guy what a real man is,’” Chavez explains.
Many of those engaging in such bisexual practices often have wives at home, unaware of what’s happening when their men leave the house.
Julio Maldonado of Chicago’s Howard Brown Health Center says it all comes down to traditional gender roles. “The normal thing is men with women, so we follow these rules,” Maldonado says. “But then after you realize, ‘Oh, my God, I have an attraction to another man,’ what do we do? We do it on the down low.”
Sex on the down-low involves secretive same-sex encounters. It’s practiced while in a heterosexual relationship, and it’s often practiced unsafely.
Chavez says there are several reasons behind the unsafe practices - a macho feeling of invincibility, the influence of drugs or alcohol, and because wearing a condom, he says, is “like licking a lollipop with the wrapper on.”
But at its root cause, Chavez says, is the esteem in which Latina wives are held. It’s an esteem that also leads to sexual frustration on the part of a sexually curious husband.
Maria says she doesn’t know who gave the virus to her husband, and to Juana, it doesn’t matter. They were faithful, both say, even if their partners were not.
“(Men living on the down low) engage in oral sex with (other) men,” Chavez says of those with the need to look for encounters outside of their marriage. “They won’t do it with their wives. She kisses their kids.”
For proof, look no further than La Cueva, a nightclub on Chicago’s Southwest Side. It’s where gay men not only grace the dance floor sashaying as sensuous lovers, but married men sit on barstools solo, scoping the scene in pursuit of their next homosexual encounter while transsexuals provide entertainment and escape.
From 26th Street, no signage can be seen on La Cueva’s exterior -- it sits as a bar with no name, a hidden sanctuary for many men masking what they truly desire.
“Their wives think their fantasies are dirty, so they look for another experience,” says 38-year-old Ivan Sanchez, a gay suburbanite who travels to La Cueva for the music, but often gets hit on by men with wives waiting at home.
“Many, many straight men are coming not for a relationship but for one crazy night,” he explains, before leading his boyfriend to the dance floor.
Fifty-five-year-old Salvador knows he’s not straight, but don’t call him gay. The father of four and grandfather of eight works at a tony French bistro downtown, and on his Sunday night off, he passes one dollar bill after another to “Alexis,” a transsexual dancer.
Why Alexis? “Because she is the most macho,” Salvador answers. “She looks like a real man.”
His lifestyle, Salvador says, eventually led to his divorce, and his children aren’t happy about his sexual orientation. Those are the only ones who know, he says, because “it’s a private matter.”
He hasn’t contracted HIV, but it is a constant concern. If he found a partner tonight, Salvador says he would wear a condom, but it only takes one encounter without one to contract a disease that never goes away.
That disease doesn’t seem to concern Peter. Alone and sipping a beer, he says he has two hundred reasons in his pocket why a transsexual performer should have sex with him. That attitude offends one of the waitresses who doubles as a performer and insists they are not for sale.
“I can’t stand gay guys,” Peter says with a laugh. “I’m very heterosexual, but I love transexual women ... men ... whatever they are!”
Peter says he has spent $25,000 on them. He says he would sleep with a woman tomorrow.
That woman could be someone like Juana or Maria, who can’t buy their way back to health.
SCARCE RESOURCES
Juana is seeking counseling and says she feels excellent lately. She has told her family about her illness, and she encourages all women to practice safe sex -- even if they are married.
“Latino men don’t like to use a condom, and women need to make that decision for their life,” she says with a sigh.
Maria is feeling well these days, too. She takes three pills in the morning and three pills at night, and she thanks God that her three children did not contract the disease. She has a boyfriend, and when they have sex, it’s always with protection.
“I have all the support and love of my boyfriend and I feel good,” Maria says.
Part of that overall wellness of being is aided by the Open Door Clinic, a suburban agency that provides lab testing, physician services and counseling. But agencies like the Open Door Clinic are scarce in Hispanic communities, and the programs many offer are too few.
Juan Calderon directs Chicago’s Vida/SIDA, one of the only HIV-focused agencies within a predominantly Latino neighborhood in the city. “The Latino community has not been receiving their fair share of the pie when it comes to health services,” Calderon says, explaining that Latinos with HIV instead opt to seek help in small clinics where they can find Latino doctors and counselors.
Chavez sees the same trend at the Renz Center. “It’s much like many women’s preference to be treated by a female gynecologist,” he explains, adding that for many Latinas, lack of transportation and day care often are obstacles to going anywhere outside their immediate neighborhood.
But at clinics that cater to Hispanics, the programs offered have been limited by government funding and initiative. Unlike its work within the black community, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has yet to approve any evidence-based program created by and for Latinas.
This fact, Chavez says, impedes his work at the Renz Center. “We’re getting leftovers,” Chavez says of the CDC programs offered, including one called SISTA, an HIV-prevention program geared toward sexually active black women.
“We can’t continue getting whatever is for the African-American community and tweaking it for our needs,” he says. Cultural sensitivity is essential, Chavez explains, because the differences between black and Hispanic women are “major.”
That’s why he is thankful for a federal grant that will fund five years of a program called “De Mujer a Mujer,” a five-week HIV and substance abuse awareness class just for Latinas. Fifteen women take the class per session, and Chavez says the waiting list to get in is huge.
He explains most women attend because they want to feel more comfortable talking to their kids about the issues. By the end of the program, his goal is to make them understand they need to be thinking about their own health as well.
“We’re trying to make them see they have to take care of themselves first,” Chavez says, knowing that for most Latinas family will always be a greater priority.
And it’s family both Maria and Juana are fighting to live for now.
Family members are the only ones who know of Maria’s illness; she says she lacks the confidence to inform her friends. "My girlfriends, I can’t tell them,” she says, “because you don’t know if they’ll discriminate against you, they won’t invite me to their homes ... I’ve felt that fear.”
Living with HIV is a lonely existence, she says, and many days are sad ones. But with the support of her boyfriend, Maria admits she has the courage to go on. “I’m brave,” she says with a sigh, knowing that being brave is her only option.
Juana, meanwhile, is busy caring for her 10-year-old son and her HIV-positive husband. She says her disease has only deepened her faith in God, and with his help she’s living as full and rich a life as she can, though she carries the burdensome secret of her illness.
“My life is totally different now,” Juana says. “I live each day as if it were my last day.”
SIDEBAR
TELL-TALES OF A DOWN-LOW LIFE
Determining whether you’re at risk for HIV can be difficult, and women in long-term heterosexual relationships are not exempt.
“Women are more aware when they think their husband is going out with another woman, but when it comes to being gay, they are more likely to block it out,” says Dr. Daniela Schreier, an assistant professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology and a relationship expert.
Schreier says it’s especially difficult to fathom if you think your own sexual relationship with your husband seems OK. “If we don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist,” she explains of the denial often present on the woman’s part when the man is on the down low.
But Ruth Houston, an infidelity expert and author of “Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs,” says women must start thinking about it. “We’re talking about a matter of life and death,” she says.
She offers 16 tips to help determine if your partner is in fact engaging in sex on the down-low. But first, Houston says, it’s important to determine if he really is being unfaithful in the first place because many of the following tips can be misconstrued if no acts of infidelity are occuring. After infidelity has been determined -- then and only then, Houston says -- can you look for signs that he’s cheating with another man.
If you suspect your husband is engaging in sex with other men, the first step Houston advises is getting tested for HIV. Then it’s important to take precautions. “Start practicing safe sex and don’t let him bully you,” Houston says.
Eventually, you’ll have to confront him with your suspicions. It’s a difficult conversation, but an essential one. It may mean the end of your relationship as you know it -- but in such circumstances, Houston says, you must put your health and well-being first.
Here’s what to look for:
- Suspicious non-verbal communication with other men - a look, a touch or a hug that lasts a little too long or has undertones of intimacy.
- Possession of gay pornography (videos, magazines, photos stored on his computer).
- Frequenting gay or bisexual Web sites. Check the history in your Internet browser.
- No longer sexually aroused by you or can’t maintain his erection.
- A strong preference for anal sex.
- An abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be too close or too familiar.
- Lots of phone calls from other men.
- Buying or receiving expensive, intimate or overly personal gifts from other men.
- Extreme homophobic behavior (overreacts to anything concerning gay or bisexual men).
- Spends more time with his male friends than with you.
- Cell phone or credit card bills traced to gay escort services or gay online dating services.
- Matchbook covers, cocktail napkins or business cards from gay bars with or without phone numbers written on them.
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